Thursday, August 9, 2007

Heat Waves, Hot Dogs & Adventures in Motherhood

I've been uncharacteristically quiet for a week, thought I'd check in so y'all didn't think I got heat stroke and fell unconscious. I'm alive and well and blogging from an undisclosed air-conditioned location in the north suburbs of Hotlanta.

It's about 102 outside according to the thermometer in my gas-guzzling SUV. Look - I'm not exaggerating. (For once.)

I wanted to take a picture of Trumpet beached and panting on the driveway to post here, but didn't have the heart to put him through it. I borrowed the above picture from the Internet. Our first wiener dog, Winona, looked like the bathing beauty you see above.

So here's my favorite heat wave story - twelve years ago this summer Chicago suffered such blistering temperatures that people were dying by the dozens! I mean, the city had to bring in big refrigerated trailers to serve as extra morgue space since the regular morgues were full. So if you know that my twins are going to be 12 in October and have done the math, you will realize that at the time of this famous Chicago heat wave, I was pregnant with my boys. On bed rest, vacillating between profoundly uncomfortable and utterly miserable.

In August 1995, Mark and I lived in a 50 year old brick ranch on the near south side that needed everything from a new roof to new plumbing. It had one bathroom. Mark was tearing out the old floor tile in THE bathroom when he discovered that the sub floor around the toilet was water damaged and dangerously soft. He told me that he was going to have to repair the floor which required REMOVING the toilet.

I was a little upset at this news. You know----hormones, record heat, underpants the size of a paint tarp. So Mark's way of soothing me was this: "Cher, if I don't take out this toilet and fix the floor, some day you are going to sit down in the bathroom, but wind up in the basement picking porcelain out of your backside." I was convinced. Especially considering the size of my prenatal backside. It could hold a lot of porcelain.

Out comes the toilet. For. Three. Days. Need I reiterate? I had two babies and Winona the wiener dog laying on my bladder. It was rough, kids.

My neighbor gave me her house key on a ribbon which I kept around my neck. I would walk across the street to her house EVERY TIME I HAD TO PEE, which as you may imagine, was a whole lot. I remember it vividly: waddling down the sidewalk and fighting back the nausea as I watched the heat rising in shimmering waves from the blacktop and thought loving thoughts about my husband.

Well, it all worked out. I didn't kill Mark so he was able to fix the floor, the weather eventually cooled off, and the boys arrived early but are just fine now.

There's probably a moral to this story, but I'll invite you to leave your proposed morals to my little tale in the comments.

Yeah, it's hot. But I been hotter. And bigger too.


GeorgiePorgie said...

Too, too funny! I remember how big your backside was.....(kidding)


random notes said...

Yes, I thought it was quiet down there in Atlanta suburbia. Made me wonder WHAT was going on with you. I almost called you yesterday to tell you that I got my MOO cards. Coool.
Blogged it yesterday in case you didnt see it. Check it out.
Chicago? Heat Wave? I thought Chicago was cold and windy? Are you sure about this story? Who told you that?
Are you sure you lived in Chicago?
Only a former "Sout Sider" would go for that story.
Those were the days, huh Cheryl?

judy coates perez said...

I was wondering if you had dropped off the planet, you were way to quiet.

It is steamy hot here in Chicago too. Reminds me of the ole Austin days. The nice thing about chicago is you know the heat will end and it will be nice again fairly soon. unlike the south where it starts in May and ends in October.

kimberly sherrod said...

In Florida it's so hot that farmers are feeding their chickens snow cones to keep them from laying hard-boiled eggs! Not only that, but the cows are giving evaporated milk!!
To top that off I have a summer cold. cough! cough! I can't breath the air is too hot! helllppppp! Send me some sweet tea!!!!hurry!

e. beck said...

i escaped hotlanta for the beach ..... and left this 102 weather to you.... i went for the 107 on the gulf coast .....

....and .....i believe the moral of your story has something to do with birth control .... or fixer uppers ..... or staying in hotels when the going gets tough .....

when i was pregnant with twins, wearing CLOTHES made me nauseous ..... that was a long pregnancy .....

michelle c said...

ugh, I feel for you..both of my pregnancies were while living in South Florida.. but the worst part was when we visited the in-laws while 7 mos pregnant (in August) and they didn't have air.. I was under self arrest in the inlaw's bedroom with a book and a window unit.

I got no sympathy from them... I didn't care, I was giving them a grand-son, I figured they'd forgive me. ha!

Brogato said...

Did I tell you how much I LOVE coming to your blog and reading your stories? There is always one written funnier than the one I read before! Love it! I didn't think it was possible for anyone to have a bigger backside than I when I was pregnant.

daisy cottage said...

I'm soooooo glad you didn't melt during that fiasco! What a trooper you were! How's Trumpie hanging in with this heat? Maggie prefers to stay inside... being the diva that she truly is.

Gina B. said...

I so remember that. You have the best stories.

I should send my Virginian cousins to Atlanta so that they can really experience heat. For some reason, their association of Chicago is the place where old people die from the summer heat.

Tula said...

Your stories are so colorful!
I remember that summer, it was the summer I had the Day Care and several parents were upset with me that I didn't take their kids to the zoo when it was 105 degrees outside...what idiots!